|
|
Poultry for Peace By Craig
Wilson
At the volunteer fire
department meeting last night the geriatric squad (The ones who are willing
to drive the fire engine, but are old enough to know better than to go into a
house when it's on fire) was discussing whether the local bears had come out of
hibernation yet. This was not idle chat, for the hose and equipment layout on
our sole fire engine, old No. 7, was dependent on it.
The rising of the bears
signaled the end of chimney fire season (chemsticks, ladders, CO2 extinguishers
and stovepipe plugs) And the beginning of bear deterrent season (1.5" high
pressure nozzle, bear spray, and 12-gauge buckshot/slug mix). Bear season is
fairly short, followed by grass fire season (2.5" variable spray nozzle,
shovels, beater bars), and 4th of July parade season (candy). Those uninitiated with
such activities may question why a volunteer fire department should be involved
with bears and shotguns.
The answers are:
-When bears come out of
hibernation they are hungry and grumpy, -Many of us have
livestock, particularly chickens,
The federal government put
a 10-foot chain-link fence around the local airport as part of an anti-terrorist
security upgrade a couple years ago. Bears and moose evidently
qualify as terrorists, since they're the only Ones who were deterred by the
fence. The fence stopped the moose, but Bears tend to be a little
more single-minded when some fool puts a You see, the government,
in its infinite wisdom, put the fence far enough away from the runway on the far
side that it blocked a bear trail. Bears are, if anything, creatures of habit.
Over on Admiralty Island, there are Lines of round pits up
above timberline.
The pits are made by the
feet of generations of bears stepping in the exact same place on the trail while
going from point A to point B. Putting a fence across a bear trail is about as
effective as stringing barbed wire across the tracks in front of a freight
train. The first couple times, the bears just pushed the fence over and
continued on their way.
The government then sunk
steel posts four feet into the ground and filled the holes with concrete. The
bears then pushed up the chain link and went underneath the fence. The
government then buried the bottom of the chain link two feet underground. The
bears dug a hole big enough to walk through under the fence.
So the federal
government entered into an agreement with the volunteer fire department for bear
control. So what about the poultry
in the title?
Well... the reason you
fence in your chickens is because they're too damn dumb to stay away from hungry
bears (or dogs, or eagles, or most anything bigger then them and hungry).
As the caretaker of
several feathered pea-brains, I can vouch for their intelligence. The combined
intelligence of all my birds isn't enough to light a 5 volt flashlight bulb. We
had a hailstorm last week and the dumb birds stood around in the open completely
mystified while the hail pelted them. Psychologists tell us
that a lot of violence and fighting is caused by feelings of inferiority. If
you're feeling inferior, get some chickens. After watching how stupid chickens
are, all your feelings of inferiority will evaporate. Having trouble figuring
out your taxes? Hang out for a while with some animals that can get lost
walking around a tree. Can't balance your
checkbook? Chickens can't count past one! Can't figure out what to wear to work?
I've got a chicken that is trying to hatch a golf ball! Stressed out? Watch a
hen after she's laid an egg. Feel like Starting a fight with somebody? Join the
volunteer fire department, it's Bear season!! Reprinted by permission of the author. All rights reserved copyright Craig Wilson 2000. In Alaska
|
|
All Rights Reserved John Gibbons |